dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
