I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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