At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
