singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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