He felt like a one man threesome
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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