i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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