She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
