mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
