forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
