It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize