so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
