I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
