I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
