I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize