Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
