So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
