im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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