She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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