went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
