If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
