I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
