Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
