You don't have asthma, your pregnant
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
