Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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