Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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