nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
