Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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