The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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