I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
