toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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