remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you never un-have a 4some
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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