totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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