So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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