one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
