Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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