i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
