the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
only if we run a train.
done.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
