Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize