The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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