I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
