Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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