Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
