Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
