If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
