My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
