There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i will never coherently bang her
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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