I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
