My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
