Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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