I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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