Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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