how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
