Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Even my vagina gasped.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize