its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
