You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
