theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
