fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
