She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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