I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
