They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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