my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
