it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
