I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
